Episode 124 - Listen To This If…. You need to say no to an invitation

Transcript

Jen (00:00:11)

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are. We are so glad that you are here with us on Listen to This If, which is part of the Let's Talk SciComm podcast.

I'm Jen, and as always, I'm joined by my fabulous, fabulous friend Michael. And on Listen to This If, our job is to try and take one issue that you might be facing at the moment and give you our very best advice we can on what we think you could do about it.

So Michael, welcome. We are talking about a pretty useful one today I reckon. And that is, what do you do when you need to say no to an invitation?

Michael (00:00:48)

Ooh, this is a good one. I mean, my automatic reaction is just do it.

Just say no. But unfortunately...

Jen (00:00:54)

Do you mean just say no or do you mean just do the thing anyway?

Michael (00:01:01)

Oh, yeah. No, I just mean just saying no.

Jen (00:01:04)

Okay. I was just, I just had to check then because either of those could have been true.

Michael (00:01:08)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think this is a really tough one. And I have a formula that I would like to propose.

Jen (00:01:17)

Ooh. Love it.

Michael (00:01:18)

So think. Step one, think about it. Don't answer straight away. Maybe sleep on it, depends how big the request is.

Jen (00:01:28)

Yep.

Michael (00:01:29)

The second part of the formula is thank the person asking you. "Thanks for thinking of me."

The third part is to respectfully decline because of, you know, of priorities. Give a reason.

But then finally, suggest someone else who you think might be a good person to do this. Because when someone is coming to you with a request, they're looking for you to solve a problem for them. And if you say, "No, I can't do it" and that's it, they're still left with their problem. But if you can suggest someone else who you think might be a really good fit for that thing, that goes some way to solving their problem. It gives them something to work with.

And it might be a case where actually, you know, it will be a lot more valuable for that person. And try and think of it in those terms, you know. Has this person ever written a blog before? Have they ever, you know, done this thing before?

No? Well, maybe it would be a really good experience for them. Maybe you've done this thing lots of times before. But for someone else, it could actually be [a] really good experience. So that would be my advice, I think.

Jen (00:02:51)

I think your formula is absolutely perfect, Michael. I think the thinking about it, the thanking someone, the politely saying no and then attempting to solve the problem for them by giving somebody else an excellent opportunity. Yeah, I think that's absolutely golden advice and it's sort of hard to know what to add to that.

So two things that I think about. One is be very clear about why you're saying no. And if you are really tempted to say yes, you know, because there's lots of different scenarios here Michael. Like there's a scenario that you've sort of suggested, which is where you just don't really want to do the thing, but you might feel pressured into it because you want to help this other person.

But there's also the scenario where actually you really want to do the thing because the thing is bright and shiny and fun and a great opportunity, but you just don't have the time or the energy or the capacity to do it. There's lots of different scenarios whereby you might say yes or no.

So I guess the way I tend to think about it is if this is something that actually I'd really like to say yes to but the concern is my lack of time or energy, then I need to be really clear before I respond in if I say yes to this thing, what else am I saying no to, which is probably... we need to say no to this thing.

And at that point you can be really honest. You know, "Fantastic. Thanks so much for inviting me. That sounds really amazing and I would have loved to have done it. But I just don't have any more time that week, that month, whatever it is". Because you're going to have to be aware that if you do flip and say yes to that, that you are then saying no to something else. So that's the first thing I think about.

The other thing I think about is actually a quote from Brené Brown, who some of you will know really well, some of you never will have heard of her. She's a social work researcher in the US who became massively famous. I think she's still got the number one watched TED talk ever.

And she has a mantra which she says she uses anytime she has to say no to an invitation. And that is, "you choose discomfort over resentment". So the idea there is that in the moment it can be very uncomfortable saying no to someone because as you said Michael, you're failing to solve a problem for them. But the point is that if you say yes so that in that moment you don't feel any discomfort because you get the pleasure of someone saying "Oh you're a lifesaver. Thanks so much. I'm so delighted, blah blah blah."

Michael (00:05:07)

Yeah.

Jen (00:05:08)

[If] you don't really want to do it or if you don't really have time for it, you're going to suffer a whole lot of resentment later that lasts longer and is more, is bad.

The idea is in the short term you deal with the discomfort of saying "Thank you so much for the offer, really lovely of you think of me. Unfortunately, I'm not available. Here's someone else who I think would be good for you to contact". That discomfort is way better than the resentment that will come if you say yes when you didn't really want to. So I think that's really good advice.

Michael (00:05:37)

Yeah, that is really good advice. It's just so automatic that you want to you know, you want to avoid that initial discomfort. But embrace it! So, yeah.

Jen (00:05:49)

And you know, and it's like a muscle. You know, people talk about the no muscle, that it gets easier and stronger the more you do it.

And I think your point is my favourite one really Michael, and that is if you say no, you're giving someone else a fabulous opportunity to do this thing.

And that's, I think that's how science needs to work. We always need to be looking for opportunities to give somebody else. You know, a learning opportunity, some extra visibility, a leg up somehow. So, you know, by not doing it yourself, you can potentially really help somebody else.

Michael (00:06:18)

Yeah, and when you mentioned the no muscle there, the person who has probably one of the strongest no muscles in the world is my toddler. So I think I just need to channel some of that energy.

Jen (00:06:30)

Oh, yes. Let's channel his energy. That's a great idea. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it.

Good luck saying no. You can do it.

Michael (00:06:54)

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